. . . on 2011 in review

I would like to say that I started a hash tag trend.  Unfortunately, I think it's something that became embedded into our culture from an organic evolution.  It is something people say all the time.  And, when I consider posting this hash tag to Twitter it really makes me ponder the depth and meaning of it.  It makes me look deeper within myself and my life this past year to wonder if I truly mean it...

I'm not gonna lie -- nor even sugar coat it -- this past year has been hard.  I've gone through feelings of being a failure, to not being loved, to being completely forgotten.  Granted some of those feelings had to do with the affects of circumstances outside of my own control.  But, these circumstances made me feel less than human at times.  It weighed me down.  It made me even consider giving up.  [I am not the giving up type of person, if anything, I'm a fighter.]  Every fiber of my being would like to blame 2010 for starting my 2011 off on the wrong foot, but then that would not do justice to God's provision and direction in my life.  You see, I believe that God has been seeing me through these dark troublesome times.  During what seemed to be an endless pursuit of finding out who I truly am I have (*finally*) come to the understanding that His hand has been in every situation -- especially the hard ones -- because He loves me and wants only the best for me.  I can completely say with confidence that, after almost 2 years of feeling this way, I am at a place where I am more healthy, complete, and have become a more rounded individual because of it.  Not to forget the fact that I now may have some sort of understanding and context into seeing a glimpse of God's great love for His children.

My hope is that, while I am filtering and sorting through these thoughts and feelings, I might come to find who I truly am in Christ.  Not just the person of who I want to be, or even who I think other people perceive me as.  But, who I truly am, down to the core of my being.

I don't know about you, but I am so ready for a New Year to begin.  I am ready for being able to live my life again.  I am ready to put Grad School behind me.  I am ready to start feeling like I am progressing in life.  Even though I'm not really sure where my life will be headed even after Grad School, I am clear that I will at least know that with God's help I have conquered several goals in my life thus far.

Plus, I'm also ready to start blogging again.  I really do enjoy blogging and wish I had done it more.

"What is the hash tag?" you ask.  I will only tell you if you promise me that you will use it in every tweet of yours from here on out.... Okay, that might be asking a bit much at this point.  How about, in preparation of submitting a tweet (or status update, for you FBers) ponder within yourself if you truly mean what you are saying, and if you really do love the life you live.

#LML = love my life

... on waking up

10 pounds

9 streets away from work

8 minutes past my bedtime

7 months of silence

6 hours of sleep

5 saturday classes

4 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy (extended versions)

3 business partners

2 condos

1 laptop

When I feel…

worthless

wretched

dirty

awful

undeserving

not smart enough

in sin

in the dark

unmotivated

dead

hopeless

like sleeping my life away will fix all my problems

I have to remember that…

I am redeemed

I am pure

I am honest

I am true

I am not less human

I am not less of a person

I am deserving of God’s grace

being awake is far better than sleeping

I am awake, and life is good.

There is hope.

I find it extremely hard to communicate what I am truly feeling and thinking when in a dark place.  Especially when so much time, energy, focus, and effort seem to have been stolen from me and put into various other things --seemingly worthless-- for over such a long period of time.  I mean, it’s not really rocket science, but it’s a lot … and I still think I’m too young for this!  This past year has been an all consuming, trying, difficult, frustrating, unhappy year – to say the least.  When things in life shock you into bad habits it's hard to know precisely what's going on or even how to fix it.  Unfortunately, the only cure that I can figure out is that it takes time.  I’ve felt that over the past year I’ve been robbed of my life. Robbed of joy, happiness, clear thinking, friendships, time, and resources.  I do not like nor appreciate this feeling.  These bad habits of withdrawing and seeking darkness rather than light keep a person on an unhealthy continuum. 

Lately I’ve been slightly obsessed with a show, Grey’s Anatomy.  One of the concepts that sucks me into watching this show is their way of depicting precisely and accurately what the characters are feeling and thinking.  I guess one could say I use it as a form of self-medicating.  But, what is therapy really?  Therapy is learning how to accurately communicate what you are thinking and feeling to loved ones so they might understand you better and therefore the relationship can be enhanced through that effective communication.  So, here I am, telling the internet what I have learned about myself over the past year.  And, believe me, I’ve had those conversations with the people I need to, so they can understand me better and our relationship can continue to be cultivated.  To be completely honest with you, I don't (think I) need very many encouraging words in my life because I typically rely on the power and strength of Christ.  HOWEVER! ...that does not negate the fact that encouraging words are very uplifting and helpful in times of distress.  I am forever grateful for my family and friends who fight for me, while offering these encouraging words, and have put up with me this year.  They have been here for me and my seemingly minute complaints – especially when I couldn’t verbalize it and the only words I had for them is “I don’t like this at all…”  During this time I have learned that I am strong and can deal with the difficulties that are presented to me.  I can find my way to the light, and out of the bad habits that weigh me down.  I may protest and sink back into my chair because I might think that not dealing with it would be easier (read other blog), but ultimately I know that God in me is strong enough (possibly stronger…) than any trial that is handed to me.

I am awake.

I am alive.

I am thriving.

I love my life.  

…and, I will be late for work tomorrow if I don’t get some sleep tonight!

So those, dear followers, are my thoughts and conclusions regarding the past year...  I know that Jesus is still working on me and I will do my best at continuing to persevere through the trials, tribulations, joys, and successes...

But, for now, I leave you with words from a song that has haunted me for the past 4 months…Enjoy.

Cosy in a Rocket by Psapp

Climb, climb into the rocket
And we set the fuse to go, go, go
Head start, cosy in the rocket
And I need to go, to go, go, go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go, go, go

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows

Tick tack toe, you're fitting into place
And now the old ways don't seem true
Stick stop blue you're only shifting

In the same old shape you always do
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go, go, go

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

... on escaping reality

Do you find yourself thinking “If only I could run away, every problem, every trial, and every test will disappear and fade into the abyss”?

I

wish

it

was

that

simple. 

(Okay, I may have stole that format from Rob Bell, but hey – there’s nothing new under the sun, right?!)

I wish that we could just say, “I don’t feel like working on this particular area of my life right now, nor ever, see you later!”  It often times seems like escaping reality would be the answer to certain problems or situations.  Nevertheless, we still have to confront problems and issues in our lives on a perpetual basis – God won’t let us just fade away into the background.  And, if we don’t deal with it right then and there, having that burden to carry with us wherever we go only makes the burden heavier.  Then the problem/issue comes back at us in an inflated manner.  Then, like a boomerang, it hits us when we least expect it.

I was recently watching the movie entitled Up In the Air, George Clooney’s character, Ryan Bingham, teaches seminars on emptying out one’s baggage.  No, seriously – that’s what his character was teaching at these seminars!  He preaches that everyone should relieve one’s life of excess physical and emotional baggage.  If only that were the case, then we would have more time to focus on ourselves and our desires and…

How selfish!!

If we really practiced that we wouldn’t feel a responsibility to our family and friends and ultimately loving others how God really wants us to.  So, we come back to our original thought… Would it really be easier just to escape reality?

There is beauty in pain. 

I remember someone once saying to me that you have to take the bad in with the good.  It’s about the whole package.  Even though we all might have our negative qualities, I’m pretty sure we have positive qualities as well.  And, there’s always redemption, right?! So, even though we may be feeling like there are more bads than goods we have to remember that we are worth more than that.

One of my favorite bands is Modest Mouse.  They have a song called “The View” off of their album Good News for People Who Love Bad News.  This song always presents a challenge to me when listening to it.  The following is just the chorus of the song.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer

And it feels pretty soft to me

And if it takes s*** to make bliss

Well, I feel pretty blissfully

If life’s not beautiful without the pain

Well, I’d just rather never ever even see beauty again

Well, as life gets longer, awful feels softer

And it feels pretty soft to me

I love how a simple song from a (non-Christian) rock band can put things in perspective.

... on trust

I’m struggling with being able to trust God with my WHOLE life.

I feel that in my life I know what’s best for me, so therefore I must be in complete control. Being in control makes me happy. It makes me feel confident, strong and knowledgeable.

It’s like sometimes I would just rather take hold of the steering wheel and drive instead of letting God direct my path. How can I really trust that He knows what’s best? But then again, there are certain areas of my life where I find it easy to trust in Him because He has proved Himself faithful to me time and time again.

The thing about driving is that I know where I’m going and I know how to get there. The freeways and streets are familiar, and I even know short-cuts. I know how to be prepared before a journey, like putting gas in the car and regularly taking it in to get the tires rotated and change the oil. I know what type of music I like to listen to on my drive. My friends are even comfortable in my car. They trust me. They trust that I will get us all to the destination alive and in one piece. But this can all change if I make a wrong move, or if I’m too tired and fall asleep at the wheel, then we have a major problem (humans are fallible, though - another topic for a different day!). But, I would not choose to make a wrong decision when driving, unless I’m being spontaneous about the destination. But, just as my friends trust me to get us to our destination safely; I should be able to trust that God will get me to the destination too.

I would LOVE to understand HOW to trust God. But, for some reason the connection is bad and all I’m hearing is static. Does anyone really have a clear connection with God? Or, is it that those connections we have with Him are by choice? And, am I just choosing to listen to Him with some areas of my life and not listening to other areas?

Well, apparently I’m not alone in struggling with trust … Trust is mentioned in the Bible way too many times to count – seriously! The passage that enters my thoughts with regards to trust is this:

Psalm 37:3-6

3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

Trust and do good. Hmm … sound familiar?

... on doing good

Galations 6:7-10 says, 

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. 9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

I think we are all challenged at many random points in our lives to do good. All I can think of sometimes is, “Really Lord?! I’m supposed to do good in THIS situation?!” I feel myself in silent protest when faced with the opportunity to do good. Especially if there are people out there that I feel really don’t deserve goodness. I mean really, what does God expect of us? Everyone … to do good … to ALL? Is there a limit on what “all” is? Can it be all, except (*fill in the blank*)?

Daily I am faced with situations where I feel that pursing my lips, furrowing my brows, crossing my arms and stampeding away would be the best answer. There are even those times where a situation might be so frustrating that it leaves me feeling like I don’t even want to do good to those closest to me. And because of these pressures coming from all different directions we choose to be selfish, stand there and let the opportunity for us to do good slip away from us.

But, then you get a call from a friend who says his dad just found out they have cancer. Or an email from another friend who says their aunt just passed away. And in that wide-eyed moment of a reality-check any thoughts of wanting to stampede away and any selfish feelings from frustrating situations have been dissolved. You stand there left with two things: God and Love.

There is so much hurt and so much pain in the world. Would it really hurt us to do good to others, to love unconditionally, and to care deeply?

meandering

As I was driving home today I was watching a sweet little old lady walking her dog. She had all the patience for this dog to find the best spot to … well, you know, relieve himself. But, she had the most patience, care, and love for that dog. She didn’t know where the little precious thing was going, but she was willing to allow him to lead her. As I was watching her, the question that came to my mind was, does anyone really know where they are going in life? Or are we all just meandering about in life? (And, of course there are implications from this story about following Jesus that you can make on your own...)

You know, the best way to get someone to do something is to not pressure them. The action being done is best done when it comes out of desire. For some strange reason, I have had the desire to start a blog. Not from any pressure from my friends, although I have very dear friends that are bloggers. But, this whole blogging thing is weird for me! And, by the way, I am not claiming to be a writer, and I don’t even have correct grammar or spelling (and please don’t use this time to “encourage” me … I’m just being honest with myself!). Plus, I’m not even sure about the whole putting my meandering thoughts and events of my life out in the open for all to see. No privacy! And, what about stalkers? I mean, is this whole blogging thing actually safe? Well, either way, here is my attempt at starting a blog. I know, I know, 20 years kind of late. I guess I missed that boat way back when…

Now, back to the word meandering. I like this word. Not only is it fun to say, but it has depth and meaning. As I was thinking about the direction that our lives our headed, I kept thinking of all these unknown factors. When I think about where the US was 5 years ago, I would have NEVER guessed that we would be in this financial upheaval. On the one hand, it’s a good thing that people are finally being responsible for their finances. On the other hand, it’s very sad to witness people being forced to move from their homes because of a job loss or they simply can no longer afford a mortgage. So, really … do we REALLY know where we are going?

So, as we all press ahead together on this journey of meandering about, my hope is that this blog can be a venue that I can get to know myself better and the direction that I’d like to go in life, and while I meander about through my life and thoughts, that you might find out whom you truly are and where you truly desire to go in life.

I leave you today with the infamous quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet:

Polonius:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!