... on waking up

10 pounds

9 streets away from work

8 minutes past my bedtime

7 months of silence

6 hours of sleep

5 saturday classes

4 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy (extended versions)

3 business partners

2 condos

1 laptop

When I feel…

worthless

wretched

dirty

awful

undeserving

not smart enough

in sin

in the dark

unmotivated

dead

hopeless

like sleeping my life away will fix all my problems

I have to remember that…

I am redeemed

I am pure

I am honest

I am true

I am not less human

I am not less of a person

I am deserving of God’s grace

being awake is far better than sleeping

I am awake, and life is good.

There is hope.

I find it extremely hard to communicate what I am truly feeling and thinking when in a dark place.  Especially when so much time, energy, focus, and effort seem to have been stolen from me and put into various other things --seemingly worthless-- for over such a long period of time.  I mean, it’s not really rocket science, but it’s a lot … and I still think I’m too young for this!  This past year has been an all consuming, trying, difficult, frustrating, unhappy year – to say the least.  When things in life shock you into bad habits it's hard to know precisely what's going on or even how to fix it.  Unfortunately, the only cure that I can figure out is that it takes time.  I’ve felt that over the past year I’ve been robbed of my life. Robbed of joy, happiness, clear thinking, friendships, time, and resources.  I do not like nor appreciate this feeling.  These bad habits of withdrawing and seeking darkness rather than light keep a person on an unhealthy continuum. 

Lately I’ve been slightly obsessed with a show, Grey’s Anatomy.  One of the concepts that sucks me into watching this show is their way of depicting precisely and accurately what the characters are feeling and thinking.  I guess one could say I use it as a form of self-medicating.  But, what is therapy really?  Therapy is learning how to accurately communicate what you are thinking and feeling to loved ones so they might understand you better and therefore the relationship can be enhanced through that effective communication.  So, here I am, telling the internet what I have learned about myself over the past year.  And, believe me, I’ve had those conversations with the people I need to, so they can understand me better and our relationship can continue to be cultivated.  To be completely honest with you, I don't (think I) need very many encouraging words in my life because I typically rely on the power and strength of Christ.  HOWEVER! ...that does not negate the fact that encouraging words are very uplifting and helpful in times of distress.  I am forever grateful for my family and friends who fight for me, while offering these encouraging words, and have put up with me this year.  They have been here for me and my seemingly minute complaints – especially when I couldn’t verbalize it and the only words I had for them is “I don’t like this at all…”  During this time I have learned that I am strong and can deal with the difficulties that are presented to me.  I can find my way to the light, and out of the bad habits that weigh me down.  I may protest and sink back into my chair because I might think that not dealing with it would be easier (read other blog), but ultimately I know that God in me is strong enough (possibly stronger…) than any trial that is handed to me.

I am awake.

I am alive.

I am thriving.

I love my life.  

…and, I will be late for work tomorrow if I don’t get some sleep tonight!

So those, dear followers, are my thoughts and conclusions regarding the past year...  I know that Jesus is still working on me and I will do my best at continuing to persevere through the trials, tribulations, joys, and successes...

But, for now, I leave you with words from a song that has haunted me for the past 4 months…Enjoy.

Cosy in a Rocket by Psapp

Climb, climb into the rocket
And we set the fuse to go, go, go
Head start, cosy in the rocket
And I need to go, to go, go, go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go, go, go

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows

Tick tack toe, you're fitting into place
And now the old ways don't seem true
Stick stop blue you're only shifting

In the same old shape you always do
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go, go, go

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know